There's a drumming noise inside my head

well well well.... i've been thinking about writing and being creative so much, that it's actually killed my boner for anything creative... make sense?? example: i think about writing on here so often, it's crazy, i only get on here a few times a year haha, but every time i do want to log in i feel like what i write should have a common thread, a theme, color, a more specific point of view like 'blog by a stoner gay server', 'through the eyes of a german underachiever', 'my life as a domesticated gay sex addict,' stuff like that... but fuck it... it's for me, i don't give a shit who reads it, and it's about a german gay kid in florida who loves porn, art, is battling addictions, and maybe some undiagnosed personality disorders and all the other weirdo things i'll judge myself to be. mmmh, this also explains the lack in comments i guess, no demographic hehe... actually, whatever, just the knowing that my thoughts are out there in the universe somewhere gives me a nice calming relief... maybe because I wish one might make the effort to find this when I meet them in person, just to get to know me more, but really... i guess organizing my thoughts in this way just makes me more aware of myself.

Sooooo, i'm currently transitioning from St. Petersburg to Orlando. Still at Cody's, and training at PF Chang's. It's too bizarre how similar restaurant environments are. Strong individuals with issues, drug problems, money trouble, and underachievers with far more potential than they are willing to realize... I can deferentially see history repeating itself, which is scary. If this doesn't work out, I'm def going for something else than serving... oops, if I still have my training job that is... I'm having a really hard time deciding where my loyalty lies... with Cody's, which has employed me for the past 7 years, or Changs, who I'm currently training for. Today I jeopardized my future job to work in st. pete, and i'm seriously regretting it.... but oh well, what's done is done, and there is no taking back these decisions... just wait, show up for the shift, and pray I don't get sent home. But whatever... all these things don't really matter to me... My lonely wolf of the steps is all i care about... Mark. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without the dude, so whatever I gotta do... suck some ass at Changs, sell my soul, I'm down! It's weird but I'm really unsure about so many things... the decisions I make, my talents, how people perceive me... just like my mom... over-analytical to the point of shaking, puking and self-doubt, but one thing is fo sho... fucking have to be with mark, that's the most important thing.

But yea, my current situation, mixed with my antisocial weirdness is def making this a strange period in my life. My instinct is telling me to find a dark hole and hide, but... not really an option. time to make change, wonder who put a nickel in me...

Ok, one more puffy, glass of water, and then hope my man isn't mad I'm coming to bed an hour after quote-time ;-)

clean my job

ah, what a great day of irresponsibility, weed, going to the movies, tequila, and david bowie. I woke up to a text from chelsea and the opportunity to a day off... couldn't refuse!!! need for weed over rules need for money sometimes... ah, this reminds me of myself a year ago, i should feel much more guilty for my lazy ways.

so i had another birthday and it was dope... i did nothing, no one got pissed off, and i even got a couple of cool gifts, of course money never hurts. Since then I'm still holding on to that after-burn of carelessness I always feel around my birthday. That's my excuse for taking off today lol... oh I did go see alice in wonderland with josh but... ummm, was ok!

ah, i keep being distracted by shiny texts from my cell... pooh, my dick is sore from jerking off too much haha. need that marky back in town for some good loving... just not the same by myself.

alright, i'm gonna give the television one more shot, but if this doesn't work out... i might have to look for a job or clean!

salmon clubs and jesus people

i have this blog set up in such a great way... getting to this page is always an event for me :-) I go to safari, open a new page, and pop, it shows right up... then i see all my drunken white letters on black and 'heads will roll' starts playing. never a dull way to begin writing, except while I type the words "off with his head" keep making it into my brain.

I just finished watching 'whip it,' and almost made my way to wal-mart to by some roller skates. then i remembered the wal-mart skateboard that only made it out a couple of times, and has since been converted to the official garage box mover, and decid

ed to stay in a pour myself another absolute and diet coke (nothing wrong with vodka and diet, it's called a skinny bitch :-)). Lol, that was a serious run-on sentence.

anyways, i also realized that all the best conversations and discussions i've been having lately have been with myself, in my own head... that can't be good. whenever people tell me something like that I always think that it's because they just don't care to listen to other thoughts and are too self-absorbed, but I truly haven't been around any stimulation conversation... oh and stimulating conversation does no longer involve politics, or religion!!! those are two subjects I will lose my hard-on over every single time now. EVERYONE always wants to talk about those two, and while I appreciate their interest in what's going on in the world, fuck you!!! I've had those conversations a milli

on times, so by now I've pretty much decided how I feel. Plus, I really feel weird being server and explaining to people why free healthcare is important... makes me feel like a stereotype lol. It's kinda like being a god-less German... another stereotype I've been a part of many times. Argh, I can't wait for Mark to come home and see how drunk I got while he was at work. Before making judgment, anyone else who could see this place, in which I spend all day between a laptop and a television, would reach for the vodka too. I just feel bad since Mark is on his diet trip, and I drank up a storm today... uuuh in a really shameful way this just reminded me of that chocolate filled pastry sugary thing I picked up from panera today... good time to stop!

livin' in grand central station

so, it turns out that making the promise to myself, that this would be a really good year totally backfired and jinxed everything. within the first month I let Cleo slip past the door, and in front of a car. It's been so fucking painful... i wish the dog had been mine at least, so I could actually grive the loss and not worry about the guilt towards Josh. But... truth is, I loved that dog as much as Josh did... I miss her so much!!! In a couple of months she became so attached to us. I still can't believe what happened. It seems like a dream. It sucked so bad having Josh's mom attack me for "killing" the dog.... slowly but surely things are getting back to normal, but they are not the way the used to be!

man, i'm def in a darker place tonight... grrr, i was so angry earlier... since then I've smoked a little pot and i'm alright now... but if I didn't have to do that I'd be on my way to Orlando, and I'd be supporting my big diet man Mark :-). I just can't be pushed... alright, another drink, some ramen noodle egg drop and then I'll be ready for bed. I love you mark!!!!!

i hate you

good morning 2010. well, it's not really morning anymore, almost noon, but oh well. for the past 2 months i've been coming onto this site, writing a few lines, and then deciding not to post. still haven't really decided why i was doing that... who knows, this might not make it up. excuse me stoner rambledable haha. oh, and i just came up with a decent excuse for not posting... just noticed my music playlist had no music on it... who wants to post without music??!

This year has already been much more creative than last year... I think I'm finally finding a healthy balance between freaking out about everything, and between spending time in creative fantasy fun land haha. Throughout february i developed a crazy fascination with really violent movie... i watched everything from a clockwork orange, to requiem for a dream, to kids, and hostel. it's crazy how people use violence to express so many different things. for this month i'm def all violenced out!!

Lol, i just felt the sudden urge to log out of here and turn my laptop off... must resist!!

I love love love bicycle race by queen... i need to make a point to get to know that band better... I love freddie mercury and have seen 'break free' a million times, youtube time to watch some interviews. i always wished i had the balls to express myself in a really extreme way like a leotard and drag, but... yea, lots of effort, plus then you gotta act the part n be all crazy argh... yucky pooh. i can only embrace my feminine side in small doses. plus, feeling masculine turns me on ;-) <2> later... oh boy the distractions... that Sean Fain is really funny!! Argh, need to shower and make my way to the bank and pay rent. Better be off.

Here we go... oh boy, can't believe i'm about to post this shit...

chelsea

happy birthday chelsea. i hope you find a way to stay true to yourself, never take love for granted, and always be the most critical judge of your own life!!

bloody druggy porn-star!

Aaaaah, perfect day for my talk-shit blog... that's what i should rename it to, since the only times I ever seem to post, is when I have something to bitch about haha. anyways.... 2 days off, so shouldn't complain too much, but fuck!!!

i get off last night, after that fucking fajita night, only to jump in the car and make the 2 hour drive to my man's house in O-town. there i'm greeted by my handsome, slightly cranky tired boyfriend who is immediately off to bed, leaving me to my own devices (thank god for tivo). then after a great night of snuggles and mark-smells i wake up, ready to enjoy my weekend (the usually thursday and friday off routine). Anyways.... I'm in a really shitty mood. I wanted to run some errands, pick up some beer, maybe some wine for mark, and have mark's little dog tag along. the next thing is a blur of frustration... i got kicked out of a gas station for that 5 gram dog, then the sales clerk at the gas station told me i was rude (she THOUGHT i took my ID back a little to roughly) and then mark wasn't happy with the bottle of wine i picked up for him. fuck orlando today!!! this seriously makes me never want to drive up here after working wed ever again!

UPDATE: Man just called to apologize, and wishing me a better day, so I feel much better :-) So, i'm a total Lady Gaga fan, and I know it's gay and predictable, but she is fucking amazing!! I've been listening to her new CD wish is only 8 songs, but every song is incredible... not a single filler, every song is rich fun and has incredible depth. One song "so happy i could die" is about the process of living, and the things that throw you off balance, and the importance of focus... "i am as vain as I allow. I do my hair, I gloss my eyes, i touch myself all through the night. and when something falls out of place, i take my time, i put it back, i touch myself till i'm on-track." this line gave me the chilllbrrrs! i like to touch myself and all, but i thought it was more a reference to becoming back in-touch with oneself. anyways... it's true... one can only be as vain as one allows. Uuuuuh, major realization... this album gives off such a strong, centered, Buddhism like vibe, it's crazy!!

FUCK, i love good pop! (In her words) not the platinum blond LA pop, but rather the andy warhol blond NY pop! Almost as much as I like really kinky, and sick gay porn! I've been watching so much porn over the years that i'm so desensitized... always looking for something more sexually extreme and perverse. that's my only explanation/excuse... the porn that i watch is so far from what I would ever get into lol. I like to compare it to watching horror movies. After seeing so much blood and guts, directors always have to come up with sicker shit... same for me with porn :-) just seen too many dicks in ass!

Ok, this went a little off track, but oh well. I better focus my energy towards rolling a big fatty. Ah before I do that I shall post Lady Gaga's bad romance... great pop video about being drugged and sold into sex-slavery! Also if anyone reads this out there... if you're having a tough day, check out Teeth!!! Everytime i hear that song i wanna put a raizorblade behind my teeth, put on war paint, and beat up a gang member or 2 ;-)