chelsea

happy birthday chelsea. i hope you find a way to stay true to yourself, never take love for granted, and always be the most critical judge of your own life!!

bloody druggy porn-star!

Aaaaah, perfect day for my talk-shit blog... that's what i should rename it to, since the only times I ever seem to post, is when I have something to bitch about haha. anyways.... 2 days off, so shouldn't complain too much, but fuck!!!

i get off last night, after that fucking fajita night, only to jump in the car and make the 2 hour drive to my man's house in O-town. there i'm greeted by my handsome, slightly cranky tired boyfriend who is immediately off to bed, leaving me to my own devices (thank god for tivo). then after a great night of snuggles and mark-smells i wake up, ready to enjoy my weekend (the usually thursday and friday off routine). Anyways.... I'm in a really shitty mood. I wanted to run some errands, pick up some beer, maybe some wine for mark, and have mark's little dog tag along. the next thing is a blur of frustration... i got kicked out of a gas station for that 5 gram dog, then the sales clerk at the gas station told me i was rude (she THOUGHT i took my ID back a little to roughly) and then mark wasn't happy with the bottle of wine i picked up for him. fuck orlando today!!! this seriously makes me never want to drive up here after working wed ever again!

UPDATE: Man just called to apologize, and wishing me a better day, so I feel much better :-) So, i'm a total Lady Gaga fan, and I know it's gay and predictable, but she is fucking amazing!! I've been listening to her new CD wish is only 8 songs, but every song is incredible... not a single filler, every song is rich fun and has incredible depth. One song "so happy i could die" is about the process of living, and the things that throw you off balance, and the importance of focus... "i am as vain as I allow. I do my hair, I gloss my eyes, i touch myself all through the night. and when something falls out of place, i take my time, i put it back, i touch myself till i'm on-track." this line gave me the chilllbrrrs! i like to touch myself and all, but i thought it was more a reference to becoming back in-touch with oneself. anyways... it's true... one can only be as vain as one allows. Uuuuuh, major realization... this album gives off such a strong, centered, Buddhism like vibe, it's crazy!!

FUCK, i love good pop! (In her words) not the platinum blond LA pop, but rather the andy warhol blond NY pop! Almost as much as I like really kinky, and sick gay porn! I've been watching so much porn over the years that i'm so desensitized... always looking for something more sexually extreme and perverse. that's my only explanation/excuse... the porn that i watch is so far from what I would ever get into lol. I like to compare it to watching horror movies. After seeing so much blood and guts, directors always have to come up with sicker shit... same for me with porn :-) just seen too many dicks in ass!

Ok, this went a little off track, but oh well. I better focus my energy towards rolling a big fatty. Ah before I do that I shall post Lady Gaga's bad romance... great pop video about being drugged and sold into sex-slavery! Also if anyone reads this out there... if you're having a tough day, check out Teeth!!! Everytime i hear that song i wanna put a raizorblade behind my teeth, put on war paint, and beat up a gang member or 2 ;-)

lave love luve

oh boy, what a fucking week. I really miss my boyfriend... oh man... horny and no mark for almost 2 weeks. can't wait to see him again :-) I'm writing right now, because my satellite decided to take a break, in the middle of kathy griffin's bravo special:"balls to the walls!" and it's pretty fucking funny. I'm getting a little burnt out on that woman, after her book, and all them other specials, but still beats a lot of the shit that's out there now.

Soooo, a few weeks back I checked a really old old email account of mine from like 1997, and came across this older dude I dated when i was 14-15, living in germany... so fucking weird, illegal and WEIRD!!! He actually pops into my mind from time to time, and I just try to remember what kind of person he was. back then I thought I was mature, smart, and all the good stuff... but he had about 15 years on me, and I was fucking 14!!!! So, I guess I can't really decide how I feel about it. I sometimes wonder if it fucked me up mentally in some weird indirect way (I doubt it, but who knows...). anyways, I came across his email, and all he sent me was a link to some weirdo vacation albums... I remembered him, but still couldn't picture his personality... it was crazy bizarre, but entertaining, and a freak blast from the past. Then today I check that email account and somehow he knew that I had looked at his email (some program where you can track who actually followed up on your emails), and called me out on it... he also went on to ask about my life, and how things hat turned out for me. Immediately I remembered how stalkerish he was... if i remember correctly he even talked about wanting to meet my parents (yup, at 14). I always felt out-smarted by him. As if I didn't know anything about him, yet he knew me more than I knew myself. He always played weird mind-games, which I always lost lol. Anways, the only personal thing I remember about him was that he gave me this book, called "der Steppenwolf," which is "the dessert-wolf" or something along those lines... and it was about this guy who lived his life in secrecy and seclusion. In the response email I asked him about that book, and why he gave it to me. Was it some insight into his own life? Bizzarro... anyways, curious to read the response.

Ah, I think my cable came back on. time for a little stem-bowl, and maybe a beer before bed :-)

Time to get serious

aaaah, back in st. pete and half an hour before leaving for work. New York was incredible... it just comes to show that some things you just can't price. 570 dollars for the flight is a lot of money, but the experience was worth every out credit card, and the replacement iphone that i had to buy, after leaving mine on the pl maxed ane (I know... I really have a problem). Today I talked to some credit card companies, and all of them said that I'm still cool. I put a hold on my visa, and things should get back to normal soon.

i really love mark. he's such a great support, and it's great to be with someone who is so similar to me regarding goals, what is most important to us in life, and how we handle things expect he's way smarter and much calmer. i hope i can get it together, if not for myself, at least to keep this mark dude around ;-)

meeting his family was a little intense... his father picked us up from the airport and launched into a 20 minute lecture, what florida republicans Mark should vote for. mmmh, uncomfortable haha. his mother was a little nicer, and even managed to give me a hug at the end of the trip. after the first night we spent a night with Mark's sister Katy and her boyfriend... they were both super nice, and really great to be around. we drank tons of beer and played shit loads of games. I'm not sure if they liked me as much as I liked them, but it was still great. Plus I need to just worry about Mark. If he's bringing me along, and he trusts that myself is good enough, I should just trust his judgment and not worry so much about impressing his family and friends.

Ok ok, now I really need to get rolling... later!

flight 3845

man, i'm really living up to my screen name these days... a big fat fucking traincrash. tomorrow is my planned trip with mark to new york... is supposed to be. I just found out that I booked the flight for last month! fuck fuck fuckedy FUCK! so the ticket is an xtra 300 bucks to have switched... now... try to max out my discover vs. pissing off the boyfriend in a most major way!!! Actually I already decided... I'm on hold with southwest as I'm typing this praying to this blog that I can use my discover... or even better, that my dear father will call me back in time and tell me that he's gonna use some frequent flyer miles. speaking of my father... that man is unreachable, even his secretary doesn't know where he is. well she said he might be at lunch, but the man isn't picking up his cell... maybe he's back. to his old ways... no good!

ah, see how i just tried really hard to distract my mind? worked for a minute there... grrr, why does hold music always remind me of the shining? not a movie i like to be reminded of when stressed for sure. ok, i know it's 12:34 noon, but I think the circumstances call for a major bong hit... brb... much better. the hold-music now reminds me of charley brown, and i love woodstock! although now i'm def not looking forward to talking to the operator, especially with the prospect of my card being declined... pooh, that would majority blow. aaaah, i'm killing my own buzz.

ok, i'm probably better off looking at something funny on youtube.... later!

Salmon, Filet, and xtra Salad

happy tuesday. the second day of the week... a second chance for a decent day :-) I just got off the phone with Cassy and she always know how to take my mind off of things. She is really into meditating, and just listening to her being able to push energy back and forth, make stuff warm and cold, and to make colors spurt out of your chest with your orgasm... all sounds really interesting. She referenced some book about the female orgasm. Apparently there is one on the male orgasm... all in all pretty interesting. Improving my orgasm doesn't really fall under one of my top priorities... maybe this is my problem!!! Ok, improving my orgasm just moved to the top of the list, see how easy that was?!

Yesterday Miss Cowen died... I loved that lady. I've been waiting on her, her husband and son for almost 4 years, and and the incredible age of 94 she passed. Allen and his father came in after her wake, and as soon as I saw her missing I knew... :-( But I guess 94 years is a pretty incredible run!

Fierce People

today i was handed a big fucking cup of humility, when I had to accept Judith's offer to pass on rent this month, I had to borrow 100 bucks from Sabine to avoid overdraft fees, and another 10 bucks from Cassy to avoid them again... oh and that $500 min payment waiting at the end of October... what the fuck happened?

right?!?

Lol, I was just watching an interview with the pet-shop boys (spelling?!?) and they were asked this question: What is the most beautiful thing in the world? and i thought about it, and I decided!!! The most beautiful thing is the feeling of completion! tricky though... pet-shop boys gave some lame-ass answer no-one would ever give a shit about btw ;-) Grrrrr, so deep I am. no wonder I'm a server!!!

nasty

i need someone to look up to... i really do!

Iron Man

Man, it's been a while (as always). I'm currently sitting on my bed, stoned, having a high life, 'my life on the d-list' in the background, while re-playing the events of the evening over and over in my head :-). No major events, just my recent decision to keep my iPod in my car on shuffel, and rediscovering some cool ass old school music... such as Andre 3000 and Kelis's Dracula's Wedding... "give me the chance, to dance romance, don't run I'm not the sun! So much at stake, bad choice of words, because I'm not the gun." brilliant. Plus, I realized that my favorite song of all times must be 'iron man' by The Cardigans. Mainly since this is the 3rd time I've made that reference while blogging. Oh good times. Oh man, I'm sitting on my bed right now, and I can still smell my man on my sheets... best smell ever :-) Just imagining snuggling up with him in these sheets makes me feel so much more at home! Fuck... cheesy cheesy deezy! The song 'iron man' really reminds me of my boyfriend by the way... very cool.

End it before it starts

Ummm, ok, ever since my last post it's been in the back of my head, that THAT was still my last post lol, and.... well, no good!

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MARK!!! My man turned 27 today, and I can't wait to see him tomorrow night... now all I need is a great birthday gift... fuck, butt-plug, porn, digital camera... I simply can't decide. Argh.... I just need to remember how much I HATE getting gift certificates to lame stuff.

Soooo, god, I really don't wanna get into any psychological crap right now about what's going on in my brain, the drug shit was a little blown out of proportion, and kinda weird.... so I'm not really reading into it. Plus it's really killing my stoned state, so yea. I think I'm gonna and this post there :-)

Back to black

Oh bummer... last week started off so well. Thursday we had the ultimate beach day at Cody's, then Mark surprised me with a little visit from Orlando on Friday, and then saturday things started getting a little sour. After work I got run into by one of the regulars... after convincing me not to call the cops, and him trying to tell me that we were both at fault, I just left in frustration. I can't believe I let all these fuckers talk me into him just paying for the repairs... great. Sunday I just tried to focus on my day off, and some good relaxing time with Mark... again, all is fucking amazing, until Josh gets home and finds it necessary to tell me that people at work at concerned with me, and that people think I do drugs.... oh bliss. I guess it's another one of those lessons.... I've been saying that I'm gonna try hard to look past opinions people have of me, and focus on what I believe is good. So I guess it's exam time lol. As long as the managers and my buddies don't believe that, oh well. 

Ok, so Josh was trying to make me feel better about it, telling me that these people were truly concerned about me. I've really been trying to watch my temper at work. I do really well at my tables, run food, and keep up on my side-work. I'm never late, and rarely call in.... These people just need to accept the fact that I'm a dick to them because they're not pulling their weight, and I'm tired of doing the work for people who don't care about the job we're doing. Ever since this, I've been trying to just come to work, stay to myself, and make so

me money. I guess trying to encourage professionalism can easily be misconstrued as me having a drug problem lol. Ah, this sucks sucks sucks... I never wanted to be that person at work, and I guess now I am. If someone genuinely cared about my well being, why jump straight to drug-use?? What ever happened to asking someone genuinely if everything is ok???!

Alright, I need to get this show on the road, and get ready for work... this should be interesting... ah, I need to make sure not to take anything of this out on Josh... I appreciate him trying to look out for me, but I have a feeling, knowing his cravings for sensationalism, that he probably part-took in some of these weirdo talk.

Oh and weed is not a drug!!!!

little lady in the middle...

Oh man, I'm having such a bad-ass late-night, post-work time :-) I dug out an old collection of burned CDs from my St. Louis days... even then I had God's music taste... phenomenal!!!! I don't even remember the names of the songs and artists anymore, just the lyrics hehe. 

So, my brain has been back on a downward spiral, so I've decided that it's just my flaw... my sensitivity I guess. My thoughts have really been worrying me... they get to a point where I have to tell myself to "Stop!!! It's just not that important and you're reading into it too much," almost like a kind of paranoia. 

I really need to call Emily. For some reason I've been avoiding calling her... I just haven't felt like we've had much to say to each other the last few times, mmmh, need to call her, and talk about it, not on here... tomorrow! 

Finally I met a guy who is just like me :-) Mr Mark!!! My age, my jokes, my boundaries, and he's VERSATILE, yay!!!!!! lol

I better stop right there ;-)

Why u ask if yo don't give a shit?

Oh fuck, i've been loving 2009!!! So far I feel like I've really been in control of things... i donno, i guess that's a weird statement. But for now, accepting my life as a server and working shit loads has been great... I always have money left over, and my big mountain of loans is finally melting! I should be sleeping right. Big double tomorrow, plus I'm in charge of enlish muffins... grand, just fucking grand. Yuck... and I think I'm getting a genuine cold YUCK!!! Thanx to Scotty for sharing his joint anyways... he's a good man that scotty.

So yea... I'm not in love... thought I was, but things didn't really work out the way I hoped them to work out. I really need to make sure that before I start dating, the dudes meet some basic standards. 

Tonight I met the man... the man I've always wanted to meet. He discribed himself as bi-polar, which he blamed most of his past interactions with servers for... but yea.... the asshole customer, who was willing to explain to me, why he was an asshole... I feel so enlightened :-) I even yelled at him, and told him he was crazy... plus he needs to stop using his bi-polar disorder as an excuse to be an ass. But yea, at the end I told him, the next time I saw him in my restaurant, I would give him a big, heartfelt, genuine hug, and he better take it!!!

Alright, time for fucking bed... my throat is so fucking scratchy... :-( I wish I didn't have to work this fucker.

LOVEandSEXandMagic

" When I say jump,  you say: 'how high?'I aint never seen nobody ever get so high. Like a bird, like plain, this party aldi insane! This party aldi insane! So I say jump jump jump jump!!" Lol, I'm so pleased to find that life is just as dificult, even more so to some (including me) to work a set schedule, which u need to cover dem bills. Actually, being in school is much simpler, and structured. Being out in the real world can be so sobering... good thing that it takes alot to sober me up ;-) I'm a dreamer, what can I say :-D

Ok, I keep losing track, because my dumb ass tivo never recorded the bad girls club reunion. That means, that for tonight, I have nothing to live for, so yup: Bed time!!! 

Crazy for You

Man oh man. I think I'm falling in love :-) Anyways. Things have really been falling into place lately. I'm so glad I'm taking this time to myself. I feel like I'm really growing into my limits, boundaries, and my true needs. I honestly couldn't be more satisfied with my place in life right now, and that has nothing to do with all the ass I'm getting.

Ouch and ouch again!

Ah, man am I ready to start my day, get some shopping done at good ole Aldi's and then get back to work after a lazy 3 day streak of days off... Lazy lazy Patrick!!! Monday I had off for Alex, then tuesday was a little more exciting than that :-) So, after dropping Alex off at the airport, Josh and I spent the day running errands... well, Josh did, I was more along for the ride, the only thing I did, was getting my fish tank water tested. The lady was totally crazy. She put me on some crazy water testing schedule for the next 2 MONTHS, where I'm supposed to bring in water samples every tuesday... good thing I'm a friendly fag!!! She let me start out with 2 little tiny blue fish, which I named Max and Moritz... not really what I wanted, but it's all the crazy Pet-store lady would lemme get.  So here are the little trouble makers (although I can't really think of any trouble you could start in that tank):
Ok, but back to the situation. After getting the fish, it was time to prepair lunch. If I would have known how ugly lunch was going to get, I would have skipped it. So there is little German Patrick, minding his own business, trying to make refried bean and cheese taquitos, when WABAM! I slice my hand open on the refried bean can... uuuh, there was blood everywhere, so Josh had to take me to the emergency room to get all stitched up. Josh even got called in for my ass yesterday... poor Josh :-( But yea, so I decided to pick up his Thursday. I'm kinda excited, since I never work thursdays and it's gonna be all shiny and new!!! I really just need to make some dough lol.

Alright. I better get my day started... oh wait, before Aldi's I should check my finanical situation.... just did, and we have a problem!!! Aaaargh, grrrr, stupid hospital bill is fucking up my financials this month, not a good start.

Picasa testing!!

 Just wanted to test my newly downloaded Picasa. Thanx Cassy... This is myself and Cassy's brother Billy... he's so fucking fine in a wifebeater :-) 

Stolen money, cause I keep my door unlocked.

Here is a lil somephin' from my birthday. After breakfast at the frog-pond (just remembered that I started my last birthday there), Slybe talked me into a little fun in the sun by the beach!!

Captain and GA!

Just a quicky before work... man, my birthday was absolutely crazy good fun!!! I couldn't have asked for anything better :-) I can't wait for next year lol. A dinner of 4 turned into a dinner for 14... so many servers sat down with us, and we all just hung out and i got shwasted on Captain and Ginger... yum! The highlight was Alex's arrival. It's been so nice having him here... it's like a little trial boyfriend period. Oh yea, and we've been doing some fantastic fucking. It's been fucking months, so this is needed. I do think his cock got bigger... oh man, I forgot how much the anal thing can suck haha. Don't read on, this might be TMI!!!! So me: "Fuck Alex stop, god, fuck, this sucks.. no no no fucking way... argh, no a shit." Alex: "Come one man, just play with yourself!" Lol, such a loving man ;-)

Alright, I better get this shiz on the road. Oh yea, and of course I dropped all my electronics hehe... my poor iPhone. I'm trying to tell myself that the cracked screen gives it character :-( My camera is also in critical condition :-( Alright. I best be off for reals now!

25 score years ago!

Happy birthday to me!!!! Hehe, I love my birthdays. I always feel it's an excuse to be just a tad more demanding than usual. I've had such a great start already... actually it was more eventful than anything haha. So last night all my favorite people came and met me out at Georgie's for LongIsland night. Cassy's brother and his boyfriend were in town, so that was kinda the reason why we went.... but yea, so there we are minding our own business, talking about a friend of Cassy's brother who we're supposed to meet... there he comes... nice to meet you sir blah blah blah!!! Ummm, are you Patrick?? Yes... that would be me. You asshole, you've been blowing me off on manhunt for a month... ummm, oops, yea, ummm, i'm sorry... i guess... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, FUCK OFF HEHE! The man would not let it go... am I weird for not feeling that I did anything wrong by not committing to a hook up with a man I met online??? Oh yea, and the age was total bullshit haha. 38?? I don't think so... that was my only come-back. "Yea, so how old did you say you were?!" He just kinda mumbled and stumbled "yea, umm, I'm actually closer to 50 than 40... he's actually closer to 60 than 40 was more like it. 

Sooooo guess who's coming into town tonight?? I'm not sure who I'm expecting to answer, but it's ALEX!!!!! My ex from puerto rico is flying down just so I have a date on my birthday. Hopefully it'll be worth it, and he'll keep the crazy to a minimum. I'm just excited to get some fucking ass. It's been so loooooooooong since I've gotten laid, and Alex is gonna get it good tonight ;-) 

Alright... sooooo, today I'm gonna relax, enjoy myself get stoned like a mother fucker, and hang out and love all over my friends :-) 

Invaders must die!

Good morning journal. Man, why the fuck am I up already? It's now 8:49, but I actually woke up around 7:15. Today is my g-moms birthday. She was just released from the hospital because of some stomach problems. She still has some problems, so she's not 100%, but she's getting there :-) I love that lady, although she takes me a tad to serious. But 85 years is excuse enough!

Today is the first day of a 3 day off streak yay!!!!! So here is what I have planned so far... movie with Katelyn tonight, a few hours to write g-mom a sweet and extensive letter, then tomorrow hang out with Cassy, her brother, and his boyfriend, then have a great ass b-day on friday (starting with b-fast at the frog pond).

Man, I'm having a really hard time turning off this new Prodigy CD. I rarely get into all instrumental, but this is pretty cool. It's so simple, but so good. Kinda like an updated version of the Teddybears... good stuff!!

Oh boy, I better be on my way to buy some nice letter paper!!! Btw, still no eating meat, and still not fucking :-D

I DO NOT HOOK UP!

This is my birthday week!!! Just need to leave the sour taste of amanda's birthday behind. the new beginning has been a pop song... "All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you, and inbetween to escape this desperate scene, where every lie reveals the truth! "

Soooo, what would be wrong with being a server for the rest of my life? Cons: No health insurance, bad influences by co-workers, whatever! Pros: Fuck this shit, I love my job right now, and no-one is supporting me! So yup, I got this :-D

Number one Reason why I love my life: Fucking freedom!! I take care of my own sexy ass!!!! 

FUCK YOU very very much!

i could say that I always will be there for you, but that would be a lie. People say these things (usually in their teens or 20s), but it's ok for that not to be true... first of all, when you say it, you mean it, in the moment at least. It's also ok that people grow up, they grow out of relationships, or for whatever reason people just take paths that might not cross as often, or never again. 

I'm learning a bit of a lesson, and it's a gay one, but it's one none the less important! You can't force a friendship. A relationship ends up where it wants to, you can say "we should be better friends," mean it, never meet again, and it's cool! 

You should never tell a person, "please, you have to make this work." or "You have to be supportive, because I need you to." People will do what feels natural, and what they feel is appropriate. So yea, since you've been gone, I feel like I've lost a chip on my shoulder... I know that's harsh, but it's the truth friend. Since we haven't gotten along, it's because I've grown up. I look at you Amanda and I can tell something doesn't feel right about your situation. You're thinking "how did I get here?" and you're wondering why you made the decision you did. I think that you look at me, and you know I'm the only person that sees it. I think that you deflect your emotions, and blame me for the falling apart of our friendship, because everyone needs an outlet. I would have been there for you, but I can't be, because you can't see what is important in life, and you don't know how to fight for the things that are worth fighting for. You could have easily conserved my trust, if you were willing to listen (to me and yourself). Instead you chose to take the easy rout, and blame me for your mistakes. Although I love you, and will always be there for you if you can ask, but I don't see how you could regain my trust. 

All things I can't say to anyone (because you can't listen, or they are sick of hearing about it).

"Dear Patrick. I watched a movie the other day... It was about two friends who are fighting during the most important time in their lives. That is us! Can't you just be there for me and be supportive?"

Ok, that was a fraction of what I didn't want to say to anyone, but that I needed to sort out, mu ch better.

Ok, so now... Every 6 months or so I make a trip to the porn store to restock on my favorite lube ( Wet Platinum, I know it's silicone based, so you shouldn't use it with condoms, but there is a reason why people prefer silicone based lube... feels like silk on your cock, so it's perfect to jerk off with lol). Ah, i know, TMI, fuck it, Chimee can handle it, if she even gets to this part after all the rambling! But anyways, there I am this morning, pulling into the parking lot, and there I see my sick fucking molestor dude, coming out of the video, dirty, sex hookup area... OMG, i thought I was gonna fucking die, thank god he couldn't see me lol. He was coming out, and I was still in my car, and I even had to wave him out of his parking lot from my car... thank god for tinted windows, and me wrecking my jeep :-) I should have taken a picture, so I could remind myself of how sad and evil he looked, all eaten up from drugs... yuck!! Was a nice reinforcement that what happened wasn't in my head, but that he's really that fucking evil and desperate. 

Man, this wasn't a happy post at all. But yea, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!

Taste the rainbow, BITCH!!!

Oh what a fucking week so far... Amanda's B-day is coming up on thursday. This year, we weren't really able to get the whole group together, so Cassy and I decided on our own little b-day deal. I bought a fat ass cake that'll be ready on thursday, and I spent so much money on it lol.... OMG, I feel like an idiot :-( Amanda becomes so demanding on her birthday, today she basically told me that she'd rather have ice-cream cake. YAY, 60 bucks of velvet cake down the drain (she told me a few months ago it's her favorite). Argh... anyways, I think it might be one of those things where u just get through it, and hope that she doesn't freak out lol. I've been trying so hard to let things go, and I feel like I have a big pile of dog pooh just sitting and stinking up my soul haha! 

Ok, now to the important stuff... Oma Neumann is in the hospital. I talked to her today, and she should be ok, but it's just so scary. She's about to turn 83, and it's such a critical time. Thank god she's still a fucking pistol. When I offered to make a little Germany visit, she just laughed... btw, someone laughing through a feeding tube over the phone was pretty sobering. I just wish I could relate to my german side of the family more, but I just don't get it. I understand that my rents and I haven't been there much,  but we're on a fucking different continent.... rest of the family on the other hand, lives 5 minutes away from granny, and somehow she still had to pay for a cab to get to the hospital.... what's wrong with people? Fuck, if those people were a little more accepting of my lifestyle (the homo thing), I wouldn't think twice about taking a plane tomorrow, but fuck... when u're not welcome, u're not welcome. 

Yesterday was a grand day at work... things got way too real, and I had a fucking nervous breakdown, I think at least... I still don't know what happened. I think just being so tense and stressed lately, in a combination of not eating meat, and not eating much more just sent my body into shock. It was pretty fucking embarrassing. I'm lucky that people at work really love and trust that I'm not crazy :-)

Uuuuuh, and yea, I caught lil mean Anthony giving me compliments behind my back... oh man, between that and him calling me his creampuff, I'm pretty sure it's love lol. 

Man, life is getting pretty tough. I know I'm not living in a third world country, and I'm not in danger of being murdered any minute, but fuck man... I just wanna be 24, make a little money, enjoy my time here, and be part of a solution. Is that too much to ask? Man, I'm so glad I have my family, oh yea and Cassy has been pretty helpful finding me new music, but then of course there are Josh (Best roomie ever) and finally Amy... the 3rd big sis lol. \

Time for bed... one more crazy day tomorrow and then weekend... (thurs n friday is my weekend).

Hail Mary/My love

OMFG, I'm in love, the sex is the best, he's so funny, and yea... the sex is AMAZING. Just kidding lol, I was just thinking about how cheesy I would feel, if I ever said shit like that. Ah damn, I think I'm being bitter ungly Patrick. Ah, and while where in such an ugly place... James you suck because you gave up on me!! Munoz, you suck because... yea, I'm not really sure what happened there except for the fact that I don't really know, or get you any longer, and Emily, you suck because you broke our high school promise to always remain friends :-) 

Ok, now less of the extremes and more of reality. I've been overanalyzing everything, and blaming everyone for my anxiety problems... no more, needs to stop. The last thing I need is a big ole bill from a therapist. But now to my real ove... "TheBirdAndTheBee" Man, they make some badass music. I've been waiting for someone as fulfilling for a while, but I feel I've finally herd someone I could hear for the rest of my life... Argh, I'd change my playlist, but it's lots of trouble, logging in, changing options, no good.

Ok, finally my regret for the day. I kinda picked a fight with a 16 year old hostess... LAME Patrick LAME!!!! I'm 24 years older than birth and I need to apologize to a very special hostess named Mary!! LOL, her name is so symbolic in at least 3 ways that I can think of right now... fuck it's my blog... First of all, lol, fuck no no no no... it's my blog, but she's 16, and possibly the spawn of the devil, but that might be a little more objective. Yuck, I'm being so ugly again.

Fuck, the Birds and the Bees were the best therapy every just now. If u're lucky enough to come across this tip, check out "The bird and the bee" - "Witch."

Oh man, I forgot... fuck, I forgot what I forgot, lemme think for a sec. Oh yea, I kinda got ballsy with Alex tonight... what was said doesn't really matter, pretty boring. But point being, I understand that servers who are parents or have a spouse have "special needs," (shot buss) and need first priorities... fuck fuckballs though. I have parents who love me and want to see me on holidays, and I only get to see them like once a year!!! Oh yea, and whenever a holiday comes along it's such a sweet reminder to know that I'm working, because I'm gay, single, and I don't have any children. Mmmmh, the sweet taste of single gay reality lol. And people wonder why I hate straight bars and spoiled kids :-) ah, i'm spreading the hate, I know, but I promised myself I'd be honest. Sorry, fuck... doesn't go along with my promise. I know it sucks but I have to do this. FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE A SHIT FUCKLIT FUCKER!!!Ah, much better. This is much better than church ;-) 

CC Mazzaro Sandwich

I'm about to leave for Lunch, and meet up with Cathy and Chaddy. Man, two people declined to go to lunch because of the presence of those two... mmmmh, I'm a little annoyed right now, cause just last week I was having a discussion about how great we all get along outside of work, and how we can leave the small shit behind, but guess not :-) Anywho, I shall smoke a bowl and enjoy the fuck out of my portobello mazzaros sandwich, while catching up with these bitches :-)

So, it took my 4 years to get the Fall Out Boys, because I just recently started liking some of their stuff, and then the last few days I realized how dumb they are. None of their lyrics make any sense, and none of their songs are about anything.... bummer. Well, for that matter, I'm not really sure if they are, but I've given up hope to search for deeper meanings in their lyrics. Maybe I should see if I can find someone talk about their songs on youtube... good idea. Oh shoot, I forgot it's new music tuesday :-) Before running out the house, I better check if there are any good releases!!!!

Vegetarian? I thought you were gay!

I got up at noon today!!! Nice right?! I guess not, because people are already killing my buzz (from being rested) by making me feel bad. I don't work until 4, fuck off, I pay my own bills :-) 

Yesterday was pretty epic... It was really slow, which is always key ingredient for desaster... everyone has time to be bored, talk, and get a little crazy. The night ended with me beating Diego (Expo-Mexican) in timed-Soduko (undefeated), and Lorell's ex-husband being arrested for beating on her new man... crazy times!!!

Right now I'm sitting in in front of my desk, just waiting around. in 40 minutes I'm supposed to be at Hooks to meet up for some Sushi time with Amanda, and I still need to take a shower... fuck Josh, hurry that ass up, he's still in there washing off. 

Oh yea, this year my NY resolution does not include work out more, or not smoke so much pot, but rather cut down on meat intake. Lately I've been talking to alot of vegetarians and watched some stuff on meat processing... yuck, not good lol! Anyways, I highly doubt I'm ready to give it up completely, but I think long-term I'd like to work towards being a vegetarian.

Alright, I think I hear Josh getting out of the shower... can't wait to be cleaned :-)

In my world everyone is a pony, eats rainbows, and poops butterflies.

Uff, good morning. Actually it's not really morning, it's past noon... I kinda slept late. I HAVE 2 DAYS OFF!!! I can't wait to smoke up and play video games all day lol... No no, must be productive, I def owe Cassy some Patrick time. 

Soooo, some strange things have been happening to my money accounts. I should really look into identity theft. Only thing is that money seems to be appearing, rather than going missing. That would be one nice identity thief, one who gives money :-)

Oh, Amanda wants to have her baby shower at my place... I hope she doesn't get a crazy allergic reaction, but oh well. Maybe that'll get me out of buying a baby-shower gift hehe. Oh yea, and we're having a sonogram at the shower lol. 

Ok, it's a lil later now. I just went to a BBQ place with Josh, in the neighborHOOD. Was pretty pricey surprisingly... I liked the beans and fries hehe.

Alright, I shall give Cassy a call right now!!!!

Platypus, butterfly, band-aid!

Anyways, My parents were here for x-mas, which gave me a shit load of time to think about stuff and things. Insight... MY buddy told me that reading my blog would be dumb, since we all bitch enough anyways. That friend sucks, hey friend... 

Alright, alright... the reason why I haven't been writing is because my sister made me sign up for WOW on xmas... she's paying... so yea, I've been distracted. 

P.s.: Sorry women, pregnancy, birth, and the rag would suck!! Being a homo rules!