There's a drumming noise inside my head

well well well.... i've been thinking about writing and being creative so much, that it's actually killed my boner for anything creative... make sense?? example: i think about writing on here so often, it's crazy, i only get on here a few times a year haha, but every time i do want to log in i feel like what i write should have a common thread, a theme, color, a more specific point of view like 'blog by a stoner gay server', 'through the eyes of a german underachiever', 'my life as a domesticated gay sex addict,' stuff like that... but fuck it... it's for me, i don't give a shit who reads it, and it's about a german gay kid in florida who loves porn, art, is battling addictions, and maybe some undiagnosed personality disorders and all the other weirdo things i'll judge myself to be. mmmh, this also explains the lack in comments i guess, no demographic hehe... actually, whatever, just the knowing that my thoughts are out there in the universe somewhere gives me a nice calming relief... maybe because I wish one might make the effort to find this when I meet them in person, just to get to know me more, but really... i guess organizing my thoughts in this way just makes me more aware of myself.

Sooooo, i'm currently transitioning from St. Petersburg to Orlando. Still at Cody's, and training at PF Chang's. It's too bizarre how similar restaurant environments are. Strong individuals with issues, drug problems, money trouble, and underachievers with far more potential than they are willing to realize... I can deferentially see history repeating itself, which is scary. If this doesn't work out, I'm def going for something else than serving... oops, if I still have my training job that is... I'm having a really hard time deciding where my loyalty lies... with Cody's, which has employed me for the past 7 years, or Changs, who I'm currently training for. Today I jeopardized my future job to work in st. pete, and i'm seriously regretting it.... but oh well, what's done is done, and there is no taking back these decisions... just wait, show up for the shift, and pray I don't get sent home. But whatever... all these things don't really matter to me... My lonely wolf of the steps is all i care about... Mark. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without the dude, so whatever I gotta do... suck some ass at Changs, sell my soul, I'm down! It's weird but I'm really unsure about so many things... the decisions I make, my talents, how people perceive me... just like my mom... over-analytical to the point of shaking, puking and self-doubt, but one thing is fo sho... fucking have to be with mark, that's the most important thing.

But yea, my current situation, mixed with my antisocial weirdness is def making this a strange period in my life. My instinct is telling me to find a dark hole and hide, but... not really an option. time to make change, wonder who put a nickel in me...

Ok, one more puffy, glass of water, and then hope my man isn't mad I'm coming to bed an hour after quote-time ;-)