There's a drumming noise inside my head

well well well.... i've been thinking about writing and being creative so much, that it's actually killed my boner for anything creative... make sense?? example: i think about writing on here so often, it's crazy, i only get on here a few times a year haha, but every time i do want to log in i feel like what i write should have a common thread, a theme, color, a more specific point of view like 'blog by a stoner gay server', 'through the eyes of a german underachiever', 'my life as a domesticated gay sex addict,' stuff like that... but fuck it... it's for me, i don't give a shit who reads it, and it's about a german gay kid in florida who loves porn, art, is battling addictions, and maybe some undiagnosed personality disorders and all the other weirdo things i'll judge myself to be. mmmh, this also explains the lack in comments i guess, no demographic hehe... actually, whatever, just the knowing that my thoughts are out there in the universe somewhere gives me a nice calming relief... maybe because I wish one might make the effort to find this when I meet them in person, just to get to know me more, but really... i guess organizing my thoughts in this way just makes me more aware of myself.

Sooooo, i'm currently transitioning from St. Petersburg to Orlando. Still at Cody's, and training at PF Chang's. It's too bizarre how similar restaurant environments are. Strong individuals with issues, drug problems, money trouble, and underachievers with far more potential than they are willing to realize... I can deferentially see history repeating itself, which is scary. If this doesn't work out, I'm def going for something else than serving... oops, if I still have my training job that is... I'm having a really hard time deciding where my loyalty lies... with Cody's, which has employed me for the past 7 years, or Changs, who I'm currently training for. Today I jeopardized my future job to work in st. pete, and i'm seriously regretting it.... but oh well, what's done is done, and there is no taking back these decisions... just wait, show up for the shift, and pray I don't get sent home. But whatever... all these things don't really matter to me... My lonely wolf of the steps is all i care about... Mark. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without the dude, so whatever I gotta do... suck some ass at Changs, sell my soul, I'm down! It's weird but I'm really unsure about so many things... the decisions I make, my talents, how people perceive me... just like my mom... over-analytical to the point of shaking, puking and self-doubt, but one thing is fo sho... fucking have to be with mark, that's the most important thing.

But yea, my current situation, mixed with my antisocial weirdness is def making this a strange period in my life. My instinct is telling me to find a dark hole and hide, but... not really an option. time to make change, wonder who put a nickel in me...

Ok, one more puffy, glass of water, and then hope my man isn't mad I'm coming to bed an hour after quote-time ;-)

clean my job

ah, what a great day of irresponsibility, weed, going to the movies, tequila, and david bowie. I woke up to a text from chelsea and the opportunity to a day off... couldn't refuse!!! need for weed over rules need for money sometimes... ah, this reminds me of myself a year ago, i should feel much more guilty for my lazy ways.

so i had another birthday and it was dope... i did nothing, no one got pissed off, and i even got a couple of cool gifts, of course money never hurts. Since then I'm still holding on to that after-burn of carelessness I always feel around my birthday. That's my excuse for taking off today lol... oh I did go see alice in wonderland with josh but... ummm, was ok!

ah, i keep being distracted by shiny texts from my cell... pooh, my dick is sore from jerking off too much haha. need that marky back in town for some good loving... just not the same by myself.

alright, i'm gonna give the television one more shot, but if this doesn't work out... i might have to look for a job or clean!

salmon clubs and jesus people

i have this blog set up in such a great way... getting to this page is always an event for me :-) I go to safari, open a new page, and pop, it shows right up... then i see all my drunken white letters on black and 'heads will roll' starts playing. never a dull way to begin writing, except while I type the words "off with his head" keep making it into my brain.

I just finished watching 'whip it,' and almost made my way to wal-mart to by some roller skates. then i remembered the wal-mart skateboard that only made it out a couple of times, and has since been converted to the official garage box mover, and decid

ed to stay in a pour myself another absolute and diet coke (nothing wrong with vodka and diet, it's called a skinny bitch :-)). Lol, that was a serious run-on sentence.

anyways, i also realized that all the best conversations and discussions i've been having lately have been with myself, in my own head... that can't be good. whenever people tell me something like that I always think that it's because they just don't care to listen to other thoughts and are too self-absorbed, but I truly haven't been around any stimulation conversation... oh and stimulating conversation does no longer involve politics, or religion!!! those are two subjects I will lose my hard-on over every single time now. EVERYONE always wants to talk about those two, and while I appreciate their interest in what's going on in the world, fuck you!!! I've had those conversations a milli

on times, so by now I've pretty much decided how I feel. Plus, I really feel weird being server and explaining to people why free healthcare is important... makes me feel like a stereotype lol. It's kinda like being a god-less German... another stereotype I've been a part of many times. Argh, I can't wait for Mark to come home and see how drunk I got while he was at work. Before making judgment, anyone else who could see this place, in which I spend all day between a laptop and a television, would reach for the vodka too. I just feel bad since Mark is on his diet trip, and I drank up a storm today... uuuh in a really shameful way this just reminded me of that chocolate filled pastry sugary thing I picked up from panera today... good time to stop!

livin' in grand central station

so, it turns out that making the promise to myself, that this would be a really good year totally backfired and jinxed everything. within the first month I let Cleo slip past the door, and in front of a car. It's been so fucking painful... i wish the dog had been mine at least, so I could actually grive the loss and not worry about the guilt towards Josh. But... truth is, I loved that dog as much as Josh did... I miss her so much!!! In a couple of months she became so attached to us. I still can't believe what happened. It seems like a dream. It sucked so bad having Josh's mom attack me for "killing" the dog.... slowly but surely things are getting back to normal, but they are not the way the used to be!

man, i'm def in a darker place tonight... grrr, i was so angry earlier... since then I've smoked a little pot and i'm alright now... but if I didn't have to do that I'd be on my way to Orlando, and I'd be supporting my big diet man Mark :-). I just can't be pushed... alright, another drink, some ramen noodle egg drop and then I'll be ready for bed. I love you mark!!!!!

i hate you

good morning 2010. well, it's not really morning anymore, almost noon, but oh well. for the past 2 months i've been coming onto this site, writing a few lines, and then deciding not to post. still haven't really decided why i was doing that... who knows, this might not make it up. excuse me stoner rambledable haha. oh, and i just came up with a decent excuse for not posting... just noticed my music playlist had no music on it... who wants to post without music??!

This year has already been much more creative than last year... I think I'm finally finding a healthy balance between freaking out about everything, and between spending time in creative fantasy fun land haha. Throughout february i developed a crazy fascination with really violent movie... i watched everything from a clockwork orange, to requiem for a dream, to kids, and hostel. it's crazy how people use violence to express so many different things. for this month i'm def all violenced out!!

Lol, i just felt the sudden urge to log out of here and turn my laptop off... must resist!!

I love love love bicycle race by queen... i need to make a point to get to know that band better... I love freddie mercury and have seen 'break free' a million times, youtube time to watch some interviews. i always wished i had the balls to express myself in a really extreme way like a leotard and drag, but... yea, lots of effort, plus then you gotta act the part n be all crazy argh... yucky pooh. i can only embrace my feminine side in small doses. plus, feeling masculine turns me on ;-) <2> later... oh boy the distractions... that Sean Fain is really funny!! Argh, need to shower and make my way to the bank and pay rent. Better be off.

Here we go... oh boy, can't believe i'm about to post this shit...

chelsea

happy birthday chelsea. i hope you find a way to stay true to yourself, never take love for granted, and always be the most critical judge of your own life!!

bloody druggy porn-star!

Aaaaah, perfect day for my talk-shit blog... that's what i should rename it to, since the only times I ever seem to post, is when I have something to bitch about haha. anyways.... 2 days off, so shouldn't complain too much, but fuck!!!

i get off last night, after that fucking fajita night, only to jump in the car and make the 2 hour drive to my man's house in O-town. there i'm greeted by my handsome, slightly cranky tired boyfriend who is immediately off to bed, leaving me to my own devices (thank god for tivo). then after a great night of snuggles and mark-smells i wake up, ready to enjoy my weekend (the usually thursday and friday off routine). Anyways.... I'm in a really shitty mood. I wanted to run some errands, pick up some beer, maybe some wine for mark, and have mark's little dog tag along. the next thing is a blur of frustration... i got kicked out of a gas station for that 5 gram dog, then the sales clerk at the gas station told me i was rude (she THOUGHT i took my ID back a little to roughly) and then mark wasn't happy with the bottle of wine i picked up for him. fuck orlando today!!! this seriously makes me never want to drive up here after working wed ever again!

UPDATE: Man just called to apologize, and wishing me a better day, so I feel much better :-) So, i'm a total Lady Gaga fan, and I know it's gay and predictable, but she is fucking amazing!! I've been listening to her new CD wish is only 8 songs, but every song is incredible... not a single filler, every song is rich fun and has incredible depth. One song "so happy i could die" is about the process of living, and the things that throw you off balance, and the importance of focus... "i am as vain as I allow. I do my hair, I gloss my eyes, i touch myself all through the night. and when something falls out of place, i take my time, i put it back, i touch myself till i'm on-track." this line gave me the chilllbrrrs! i like to touch myself and all, but i thought it was more a reference to becoming back in-touch with oneself. anyways... it's true... one can only be as vain as one allows. Uuuuuh, major realization... this album gives off such a strong, centered, Buddhism like vibe, it's crazy!!

FUCK, i love good pop! (In her words) not the platinum blond LA pop, but rather the andy warhol blond NY pop! Almost as much as I like really kinky, and sick gay porn! I've been watching so much porn over the years that i'm so desensitized... always looking for something more sexually extreme and perverse. that's my only explanation/excuse... the porn that i watch is so far from what I would ever get into lol. I like to compare it to watching horror movies. After seeing so much blood and guts, directors always have to come up with sicker shit... same for me with porn :-) just seen too many dicks in ass!

Ok, this went a little off track, but oh well. I better focus my energy towards rolling a big fatty. Ah before I do that I shall post Lady Gaga's bad romance... great pop video about being drugged and sold into sex-slavery! Also if anyone reads this out there... if you're having a tough day, check out Teeth!!! Everytime i hear that song i wanna put a raizorblade behind my teeth, put on war paint, and beat up a gang member or 2 ;-)

lave love luve

oh boy, what a fucking week. I really miss my boyfriend... oh man... horny and no mark for almost 2 weeks. can't wait to see him again :-) I'm writing right now, because my satellite decided to take a break, in the middle of kathy griffin's bravo special:"balls to the walls!" and it's pretty fucking funny. I'm getting a little burnt out on that woman, after her book, and all them other specials, but still beats a lot of the shit that's out there now.

Soooo, a few weeks back I checked a really old old email account of mine from like 1997, and came across this older dude I dated when i was 14-15, living in germany... so fucking weird, illegal and WEIRD!!! He actually pops into my mind from time to time, and I just try to remember what kind of person he was. back then I thought I was mature, smart, and all the good stuff... but he had about 15 years on me, and I was fucking 14!!!! So, I guess I can't really decide how I feel about it. I sometimes wonder if it fucked me up mentally in some weird indirect way (I doubt it, but who knows...). anyways, I came across his email, and all he sent me was a link to some weirdo vacation albums... I remembered him, but still couldn't picture his personality... it was crazy bizarre, but entertaining, and a freak blast from the past. Then today I check that email account and somehow he knew that I had looked at his email (some program where you can track who actually followed up on your emails), and called me out on it... he also went on to ask about my life, and how things hat turned out for me. Immediately I remembered how stalkerish he was... if i remember correctly he even talked about wanting to meet my parents (yup, at 14). I always felt out-smarted by him. As if I didn't know anything about him, yet he knew me more than I knew myself. He always played weird mind-games, which I always lost lol. Anways, the only personal thing I remember about him was that he gave me this book, called "der Steppenwolf," which is "the dessert-wolf" or something along those lines... and it was about this guy who lived his life in secrecy and seclusion. In the response email I asked him about that book, and why he gave it to me. Was it some insight into his own life? Bizzarro... anyways, curious to read the response.

Ah, I think my cable came back on. time for a little stem-bowl, and maybe a beer before bed :-)

Time to get serious

aaaah, back in st. pete and half an hour before leaving for work. New York was incredible... it just comes to show that some things you just can't price. 570 dollars for the flight is a lot of money, but the experience was worth every out credit card, and the replacement iphone that i had to buy, after leaving mine on the pl maxed ane (I know... I really have a problem). Today I talked to some credit card companies, and all of them said that I'm still cool. I put a hold on my visa, and things should get back to normal soon.

i really love mark. he's such a great support, and it's great to be with someone who is so similar to me regarding goals, what is most important to us in life, and how we handle things expect he's way smarter and much calmer. i hope i can get it together, if not for myself, at least to keep this mark dude around ;-)

meeting his family was a little intense... his father picked us up from the airport and launched into a 20 minute lecture, what florida republicans Mark should vote for. mmmh, uncomfortable haha. his mother was a little nicer, and even managed to give me a hug at the end of the trip. after the first night we spent a night with Mark's sister Katy and her boyfriend... they were both super nice, and really great to be around. we drank tons of beer and played shit loads of games. I'm not sure if they liked me as much as I liked them, but it was still great. Plus I need to just worry about Mark. If he's bringing me along, and he trusts that myself is good enough, I should just trust his judgment and not worry so much about impressing his family and friends.

Ok ok, now I really need to get rolling... later!

flight 3845

man, i'm really living up to my screen name these days... a big fat fucking traincrash. tomorrow is my planned trip with mark to new york... is supposed to be. I just found out that I booked the flight for last month! fuck fuck fuckedy FUCK! so the ticket is an xtra 300 bucks to have switched... now... try to max out my discover vs. pissing off the boyfriend in a most major way!!! Actually I already decided... I'm on hold with southwest as I'm typing this praying to this blog that I can use my discover... or even better, that my dear father will call me back in time and tell me that he's gonna use some frequent flyer miles. speaking of my father... that man is unreachable, even his secretary doesn't know where he is. well she said he might be at lunch, but the man isn't picking up his cell... maybe he's back. to his old ways... no good!

ah, see how i just tried really hard to distract my mind? worked for a minute there... grrr, why does hold music always remind me of the shining? not a movie i like to be reminded of when stressed for sure. ok, i know it's 12:34 noon, but I think the circumstances call for a major bong hit... brb... much better. the hold-music now reminds me of charley brown, and i love woodstock! although now i'm def not looking forward to talking to the operator, especially with the prospect of my card being declined... pooh, that would majority blow. aaaah, i'm killing my own buzz.

ok, i'm probably better off looking at something funny on youtube.... later!

Salmon, Filet, and xtra Salad

happy tuesday. the second day of the week... a second chance for a decent day :-) I just got off the phone with Cassy and she always know how to take my mind off of things. She is really into meditating, and just listening to her being able to push energy back and forth, make stuff warm and cold, and to make colors spurt out of your chest with your orgasm... all sounds really interesting. She referenced some book about the female orgasm. Apparently there is one on the male orgasm... all in all pretty interesting. Improving my orgasm doesn't really fall under one of my top priorities... maybe this is my problem!!! Ok, improving my orgasm just moved to the top of the list, see how easy that was?!

Yesterday Miss Cowen died... I loved that lady. I've been waiting on her, her husband and son for almost 4 years, and and the incredible age of 94 she passed. Allen and his father came in after her wake, and as soon as I saw her missing I knew... :-( But I guess 94 years is a pretty incredible run!

Fierce People

today i was handed a big fucking cup of humility, when I had to accept Judith's offer to pass on rent this month, I had to borrow 100 bucks from Sabine to avoid overdraft fees, and another 10 bucks from Cassy to avoid them again... oh and that $500 min payment waiting at the end of October... what the fuck happened?

right?!?

Lol, I was just watching an interview with the pet-shop boys (spelling?!?) and they were asked this question: What is the most beautiful thing in the world? and i thought about it, and I decided!!! The most beautiful thing is the feeling of completion! tricky though... pet-shop boys gave some lame-ass answer no-one would ever give a shit about btw ;-) Grrrrr, so deep I am. no wonder I'm a server!!!

nasty

i need someone to look up to... i really do!

Iron Man

Man, it's been a while (as always). I'm currently sitting on my bed, stoned, having a high life, 'my life on the d-list' in the background, while re-playing the events of the evening over and over in my head :-). No major events, just my recent decision to keep my iPod in my car on shuffel, and rediscovering some cool ass old school music... such as Andre 3000 and Kelis's Dracula's Wedding... "give me the chance, to dance romance, don't run I'm not the sun! So much at stake, bad choice of words, because I'm not the gun." brilliant. Plus, I realized that my favorite song of all times must be 'iron man' by The Cardigans. Mainly since this is the 3rd time I've made that reference while blogging. Oh good times. Oh man, I'm sitting on my bed right now, and I can still smell my man on my sheets... best smell ever :-) Just imagining snuggling up with him in these sheets makes me feel so much more at home! Fuck... cheesy cheesy deezy! The song 'iron man' really reminds me of my boyfriend by the way... very cool.

End it before it starts

Ummm, ok, ever since my last post it's been in the back of my head, that THAT was still my last post lol, and.... well, no good!

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MARK!!! My man turned 27 today, and I can't wait to see him tomorrow night... now all I need is a great birthday gift... fuck, butt-plug, porn, digital camera... I simply can't decide. Argh.... I just need to remember how much I HATE getting gift certificates to lame stuff.

Soooo, god, I really don't wanna get into any psychological crap right now about what's going on in my brain, the drug shit was a little blown out of proportion, and kinda weird.... so I'm not really reading into it. Plus it's really killing my stoned state, so yea. I think I'm gonna and this post there :-)

Back to black

Oh bummer... last week started off so well. Thursday we had the ultimate beach day at Cody's, then Mark surprised me with a little visit from Orlando on Friday, and then saturday things started getting a little sour. After work I got run into by one of the regulars... after convincing me not to call the cops, and him trying to tell me that we were both at fault, I just left in frustration. I can't believe I let all these fuckers talk me into him just paying for the repairs... great. Sunday I just tried to focus on my day off, and some good relaxing time with Mark... again, all is fucking amazing, until Josh gets home and finds it necessary to tell me that people at work at concerned with me, and that people think I do drugs.... oh bliss. I guess it's another one of those lessons.... I've been saying that I'm gonna try hard to look past opinions people have of me, and focus on what I believe is good. So I guess it's exam time lol. As long as the managers and my buddies don't believe that, oh well. 

Ok, so Josh was trying to make me feel better about it, telling me that these people were truly concerned about me. I've really been trying to watch my temper at work. I do really well at my tables, run food, and keep up on my side-work. I'm never late, and rarely call in.... These people just need to accept the fact that I'm a dick to them because they're not pulling their weight, and I'm tired of doing the work for people who don't care about the job we're doing. Ever since this, I've been trying to just come to work, stay to myself, and make so

me money. I guess trying to encourage professionalism can easily be misconstrued as me having a drug problem lol. Ah, this sucks sucks sucks... I never wanted to be that person at work, and I guess now I am. If someone genuinely cared about my well being, why jump straight to drug-use?? What ever happened to asking someone genuinely if everything is ok???!

Alright, I need to get this show on the road, and get ready for work... this should be interesting... ah, I need to make sure not to take anything of this out on Josh... I appreciate him trying to look out for me, but I have a feeling, knowing his cravings for sensationalism, that he probably part-took in some of these weirdo talk.

Oh and weed is not a drug!!!!

little lady in the middle...

Oh man, I'm having such a bad-ass late-night, post-work time :-) I dug out an old collection of burned CDs from my St. Louis days... even then I had God's music taste... phenomenal!!!! I don't even remember the names of the songs and artists anymore, just the lyrics hehe. 

So, my brain has been back on a downward spiral, so I've decided that it's just my flaw... my sensitivity I guess. My thoughts have really been worrying me... they get to a point where I have to tell myself to "Stop!!! It's just not that important and you're reading into it too much," almost like a kind of paranoia. 

I really need to call Emily. For some reason I've been avoiding calling her... I just haven't felt like we've had much to say to each other the last few times, mmmh, need to call her, and talk about it, not on here... tomorrow! 

Finally I met a guy who is just like me :-) Mr Mark!!! My age, my jokes, my boundaries, and he's VERSATILE, yay!!!!!! lol

I better stop right there ;-)

Why u ask if yo don't give a shit?

Oh fuck, i've been loving 2009!!! So far I feel like I've really been in control of things... i donno, i guess that's a weird statement. But for now, accepting my life as a server and working shit loads has been great... I always have money left over, and my big mountain of loans is finally melting! I should be sleeping right. Big double tomorrow, plus I'm in charge of enlish muffins... grand, just fucking grand. Yuck... and I think I'm getting a genuine cold YUCK!!! Thanx to Scotty for sharing his joint anyways... he's a good man that scotty.

So yea... I'm not in love... thought I was, but things didn't really work out the way I hoped them to work out. I really need to make sure that before I start dating, the dudes meet some basic standards. 

Tonight I met the man... the man I've always wanted to meet. He discribed himself as bi-polar, which he blamed most of his past interactions with servers for... but yea.... the asshole customer, who was willing to explain to me, why he was an asshole... I feel so enlightened :-) I even yelled at him, and told him he was crazy... plus he needs to stop using his bi-polar disorder as an excuse to be an ass. But yea, at the end I told him, the next time I saw him in my restaurant, I would give him a big, heartfelt, genuine hug, and he better take it!!!

Alright, time for fucking bed... my throat is so fucking scratchy... :-( I wish I didn't have to work this fucker.

LOVEandSEXandMagic

" When I say jump,  you say: 'how high?'I aint never seen nobody ever get so high. Like a bird, like plain, this party aldi insane! This party aldi insane! So I say jump jump jump jump!!" Lol, I'm so pleased to find that life is just as dificult, even more so to some (including me) to work a set schedule, which u need to cover dem bills. Actually, being in school is much simpler, and structured. Being out in the real world can be so sobering... good thing that it takes alot to sober me up ;-) I'm a dreamer, what can I say :-D

Ok, I keep losing track, because my dumb ass tivo never recorded the bad girls club reunion. That means, that for tonight, I have nothing to live for, so yup: Bed time!!!