clean my job

ah, what a great day of irresponsibility, weed, going to the movies, tequila, and david bowie. I woke up to a text from chelsea and the opportunity to a day off... couldn't refuse!!! need for weed over rules need for money sometimes... ah, this reminds me of myself a year ago, i should feel much more guilty for my lazy ways.

so i had another birthday and it was dope... i did nothing, no one got pissed off, and i even got a couple of cool gifts, of course money never hurts. Since then I'm still holding on to that after-burn of carelessness I always feel around my birthday. That's my excuse for taking off today lol... oh I did go see alice in wonderland with josh but... ummm, was ok!

ah, i keep being distracted by shiny texts from my cell... pooh, my dick is sore from jerking off too much haha. need that marky back in town for some good loving... just not the same by myself.

alright, i'm gonna give the television one more shot, but if this doesn't work out... i might have to look for a job or clean!

salmon clubs and jesus people

i have this blog set up in such a great way... getting to this page is always an event for me :-) I go to safari, open a new page, and pop, it shows right up... then i see all my drunken white letters on black and 'heads will roll' starts playing. never a dull way to begin writing, except while I type the words "off with his head" keep making it into my brain.

I just finished watching 'whip it,' and almost made my way to wal-mart to by some roller skates. then i remembered the wal-mart skateboard that only made it out a couple of times, and has since been converted to the official garage box mover, and decid

ed to stay in a pour myself another absolute and diet coke (nothing wrong with vodka and diet, it's called a skinny bitch :-)). Lol, that was a serious run-on sentence.

anyways, i also realized that all the best conversations and discussions i've been having lately have been with myself, in my own head... that can't be good. whenever people tell me something like that I always think that it's because they just don't care to listen to other thoughts and are too self-absorbed, but I truly haven't been around any stimulation conversation... oh and stimulating conversation does no longer involve politics, or religion!!! those are two subjects I will lose my hard-on over every single time now. EVERYONE always wants to talk about those two, and while I appreciate their interest in what's going on in the world, fuck you!!! I've had those conversations a milli

on times, so by now I've pretty much decided how I feel. Plus, I really feel weird being server and explaining to people why free healthcare is important... makes me feel like a stereotype lol. It's kinda like being a god-less German... another stereotype I've been a part of many times. Argh, I can't wait for Mark to come home and see how drunk I got while he was at work. Before making judgment, anyone else who could see this place, in which I spend all day between a laptop and a television, would reach for the vodka too. I just feel bad since Mark is on his diet trip, and I drank up a storm today... uuuh in a really shameful way this just reminded me of that chocolate filled pastry sugary thing I picked up from panera today... good time to stop!

livin' in grand central station

so, it turns out that making the promise to myself, that this would be a really good year totally backfired and jinxed everything. within the first month I let Cleo slip past the door, and in front of a car. It's been so fucking painful... i wish the dog had been mine at least, so I could actually grive the loss and not worry about the guilt towards Josh. But... truth is, I loved that dog as much as Josh did... I miss her so much!!! In a couple of months she became so attached to us. I still can't believe what happened. It seems like a dream. It sucked so bad having Josh's mom attack me for "killing" the dog.... slowly but surely things are getting back to normal, but they are not the way the used to be!

man, i'm def in a darker place tonight... grrr, i was so angry earlier... since then I've smoked a little pot and i'm alright now... but if I didn't have to do that I'd be on my way to Orlando, and I'd be supporting my big diet man Mark :-). I just can't be pushed... alright, another drink, some ramen noodle egg drop and then I'll be ready for bed. I love you mark!!!!!

i hate you

good morning 2010. well, it's not really morning anymore, almost noon, but oh well. for the past 2 months i've been coming onto this site, writing a few lines, and then deciding not to post. still haven't really decided why i was doing that... who knows, this might not make it up. excuse me stoner rambledable haha. oh, and i just came up with a decent excuse for not posting... just noticed my music playlist had no music on it... who wants to post without music??!

This year has already been much more creative than last year... I think I'm finally finding a healthy balance between freaking out about everything, and between spending time in creative fantasy fun land haha. Throughout february i developed a crazy fascination with really violent movie... i watched everything from a clockwork orange, to requiem for a dream, to kids, and hostel. it's crazy how people use violence to express so many different things. for this month i'm def all violenced out!!

Lol, i just felt the sudden urge to log out of here and turn my laptop off... must resist!!

I love love love bicycle race by queen... i need to make a point to get to know that band better... I love freddie mercury and have seen 'break free' a million times, youtube time to watch some interviews. i always wished i had the balls to express myself in a really extreme way like a leotard and drag, but... yea, lots of effort, plus then you gotta act the part n be all crazy argh... yucky pooh. i can only embrace my feminine side in small doses. plus, feeling masculine turns me on ;-) <2> later... oh boy the distractions... that Sean Fain is really funny!! Argh, need to shower and make my way to the bank and pay rent. Better be off.

Here we go... oh boy, can't believe i'm about to post this shit...

chelsea

happy birthday chelsea. i hope you find a way to stay true to yourself, never take love for granted, and always be the most critical judge of your own life!!

bloody druggy porn-star!

Aaaaah, perfect day for my talk-shit blog... that's what i should rename it to, since the only times I ever seem to post, is when I have something to bitch about haha. anyways.... 2 days off, so shouldn't complain too much, but fuck!!!

i get off last night, after that fucking fajita night, only to jump in the car and make the 2 hour drive to my man's house in O-town. there i'm greeted by my handsome, slightly cranky tired boyfriend who is immediately off to bed, leaving me to my own devices (thank god for tivo). then after a great night of snuggles and mark-smells i wake up, ready to enjoy my weekend (the usually thursday and friday off routine). Anyways.... I'm in a really shitty mood. I wanted to run some errands, pick up some beer, maybe some wine for mark, and have mark's little dog tag along. the next thing is a blur of frustration... i got kicked out of a gas station for that 5 gram dog, then the sales clerk at the gas station told me i was rude (she THOUGHT i took my ID back a little to roughly) and then mark wasn't happy with the bottle of wine i picked up for him. fuck orlando today!!! this seriously makes me never want to drive up here after working wed ever again!

UPDATE: Man just called to apologize, and wishing me a better day, so I feel much better :-) So, i'm a total Lady Gaga fan, and I know it's gay and predictable, but she is fucking amazing!! I've been listening to her new CD wish is only 8 songs, but every song is incredible... not a single filler, every song is rich fun and has incredible depth. One song "so happy i could die" is about the process of living, and the things that throw you off balance, and the importance of focus... "i am as vain as I allow. I do my hair, I gloss my eyes, i touch myself all through the night. and when something falls out of place, i take my time, i put it back, i touch myself till i'm on-track." this line gave me the chilllbrrrs! i like to touch myself and all, but i thought it was more a reference to becoming back in-touch with oneself. anyways... it's true... one can only be as vain as one allows. Uuuuuh, major realization... this album gives off such a strong, centered, Buddhism like vibe, it's crazy!!

FUCK, i love good pop! (In her words) not the platinum blond LA pop, but rather the andy warhol blond NY pop! Almost as much as I like really kinky, and sick gay porn! I've been watching so much porn over the years that i'm so desensitized... always looking for something more sexually extreme and perverse. that's my only explanation/excuse... the porn that i watch is so far from what I would ever get into lol. I like to compare it to watching horror movies. After seeing so much blood and guts, directors always have to come up with sicker shit... same for me with porn :-) just seen too many dicks in ass!

Ok, this went a little off track, but oh well. I better focus my energy towards rolling a big fatty. Ah before I do that I shall post Lady Gaga's bad romance... great pop video about being drugged and sold into sex-slavery! Also if anyone reads this out there... if you're having a tough day, check out Teeth!!! Everytime i hear that song i wanna put a raizorblade behind my teeth, put on war paint, and beat up a gang member or 2 ;-)

lave love luve

oh boy, what a fucking week. I really miss my boyfriend... oh man... horny and no mark for almost 2 weeks. can't wait to see him again :-) I'm writing right now, because my satellite decided to take a break, in the middle of kathy griffin's bravo special:"balls to the walls!" and it's pretty fucking funny. I'm getting a little burnt out on that woman, after her book, and all them other specials, but still beats a lot of the shit that's out there now.

Soooo, a few weeks back I checked a really old old email account of mine from like 1997, and came across this older dude I dated when i was 14-15, living in germany... so fucking weird, illegal and WEIRD!!! He actually pops into my mind from time to time, and I just try to remember what kind of person he was. back then I thought I was mature, smart, and all the good stuff... but he had about 15 years on me, and I was fucking 14!!!! So, I guess I can't really decide how I feel about it. I sometimes wonder if it fucked me up mentally in some weird indirect way (I doubt it, but who knows...). anyways, I came across his email, and all he sent me was a link to some weirdo vacation albums... I remembered him, but still couldn't picture his personality... it was crazy bizarre, but entertaining, and a freak blast from the past. Then today I check that email account and somehow he knew that I had looked at his email (some program where you can track who actually followed up on your emails), and called me out on it... he also went on to ask about my life, and how things hat turned out for me. Immediately I remembered how stalkerish he was... if i remember correctly he even talked about wanting to meet my parents (yup, at 14). I always felt out-smarted by him. As if I didn't know anything about him, yet he knew me more than I knew myself. He always played weird mind-games, which I always lost lol. Anways, the only personal thing I remember about him was that he gave me this book, called "der Steppenwolf," which is "the dessert-wolf" or something along those lines... and it was about this guy who lived his life in secrecy and seclusion. In the response email I asked him about that book, and why he gave it to me. Was it some insight into his own life? Bizzarro... anyways, curious to read the response.

Ah, I think my cable came back on. time for a little stem-bowl, and maybe a beer before bed :-)