chelsea

happy birthday chelsea. i hope you find a way to stay true to yourself, never take love for granted, and always be the most critical judge of your own life!!

bloody druggy porn-star!

Aaaaah, perfect day for my talk-shit blog... that's what i should rename it to, since the only times I ever seem to post, is when I have something to bitch about haha. anyways.... 2 days off, so shouldn't complain too much, but fuck!!!

i get off last night, after that fucking fajita night, only to jump in the car and make the 2 hour drive to my man's house in O-town. there i'm greeted by my handsome, slightly cranky tired boyfriend who is immediately off to bed, leaving me to my own devices (thank god for tivo). then after a great night of snuggles and mark-smells i wake up, ready to enjoy my weekend (the usually thursday and friday off routine). Anyways.... I'm in a really shitty mood. I wanted to run some errands, pick up some beer, maybe some wine for mark, and have mark's little dog tag along. the next thing is a blur of frustration... i got kicked out of a gas station for that 5 gram dog, then the sales clerk at the gas station told me i was rude (she THOUGHT i took my ID back a little to roughly) and then mark wasn't happy with the bottle of wine i picked up for him. fuck orlando today!!! this seriously makes me never want to drive up here after working wed ever again!

UPDATE: Man just called to apologize, and wishing me a better day, so I feel much better :-) So, i'm a total Lady Gaga fan, and I know it's gay and predictable, but she is fucking amazing!! I've been listening to her new CD wish is only 8 songs, but every song is incredible... not a single filler, every song is rich fun and has incredible depth. One song "so happy i could die" is about the process of living, and the things that throw you off balance, and the importance of focus... "i am as vain as I allow. I do my hair, I gloss my eyes, i touch myself all through the night. and when something falls out of place, i take my time, i put it back, i touch myself till i'm on-track." this line gave me the chilllbrrrs! i like to touch myself and all, but i thought it was more a reference to becoming back in-touch with oneself. anyways... it's true... one can only be as vain as one allows. Uuuuuh, major realization... this album gives off such a strong, centered, Buddhism like vibe, it's crazy!!

FUCK, i love good pop! (In her words) not the platinum blond LA pop, but rather the andy warhol blond NY pop! Almost as much as I like really kinky, and sick gay porn! I've been watching so much porn over the years that i'm so desensitized... always looking for something more sexually extreme and perverse. that's my only explanation/excuse... the porn that i watch is so far from what I would ever get into lol. I like to compare it to watching horror movies. After seeing so much blood and guts, directors always have to come up with sicker shit... same for me with porn :-) just seen too many dicks in ass!

Ok, this went a little off track, but oh well. I better focus my energy towards rolling a big fatty. Ah before I do that I shall post Lady Gaga's bad romance... great pop video about being drugged and sold into sex-slavery! Also if anyone reads this out there... if you're having a tough day, check out Teeth!!! Everytime i hear that song i wanna put a raizorblade behind my teeth, put on war paint, and beat up a gang member or 2 ;-)

lave love luve

oh boy, what a fucking week. I really miss my boyfriend... oh man... horny and no mark for almost 2 weeks. can't wait to see him again :-) I'm writing right now, because my satellite decided to take a break, in the middle of kathy griffin's bravo special:"balls to the walls!" and it's pretty fucking funny. I'm getting a little burnt out on that woman, after her book, and all them other specials, but still beats a lot of the shit that's out there now.

Soooo, a few weeks back I checked a really old old email account of mine from like 1997, and came across this older dude I dated when i was 14-15, living in germany... so fucking weird, illegal and WEIRD!!! He actually pops into my mind from time to time, and I just try to remember what kind of person he was. back then I thought I was mature, smart, and all the good stuff... but he had about 15 years on me, and I was fucking 14!!!! So, I guess I can't really decide how I feel about it. I sometimes wonder if it fucked me up mentally in some weird indirect way (I doubt it, but who knows...). anyways, I came across his email, and all he sent me was a link to some weirdo vacation albums... I remembered him, but still couldn't picture his personality... it was crazy bizarre, but entertaining, and a freak blast from the past. Then today I check that email account and somehow he knew that I had looked at his email (some program where you can track who actually followed up on your emails), and called me out on it... he also went on to ask about my life, and how things hat turned out for me. Immediately I remembered how stalkerish he was... if i remember correctly he even talked about wanting to meet my parents (yup, at 14). I always felt out-smarted by him. As if I didn't know anything about him, yet he knew me more than I knew myself. He always played weird mind-games, which I always lost lol. Anways, the only personal thing I remember about him was that he gave me this book, called "der Steppenwolf," which is "the dessert-wolf" or something along those lines... and it was about this guy who lived his life in secrecy and seclusion. In the response email I asked him about that book, and why he gave it to me. Was it some insight into his own life? Bizzarro... anyways, curious to read the response.

Ah, I think my cable came back on. time for a little stem-bowl, and maybe a beer before bed :-)

Time to get serious

aaaah, back in st. pete and half an hour before leaving for work. New York was incredible... it just comes to show that some things you just can't price. 570 dollars for the flight is a lot of money, but the experience was worth every out credit card, and the replacement iphone that i had to buy, after leaving mine on the pl maxed ane (I know... I really have a problem). Today I talked to some credit card companies, and all of them said that I'm still cool. I put a hold on my visa, and things should get back to normal soon.

i really love mark. he's such a great support, and it's great to be with someone who is so similar to me regarding goals, what is most important to us in life, and how we handle things expect he's way smarter and much calmer. i hope i can get it together, if not for myself, at least to keep this mark dude around ;-)

meeting his family was a little intense... his father picked us up from the airport and launched into a 20 minute lecture, what florida republicans Mark should vote for. mmmh, uncomfortable haha. his mother was a little nicer, and even managed to give me a hug at the end of the trip. after the first night we spent a night with Mark's sister Katy and her boyfriend... they were both super nice, and really great to be around. we drank tons of beer and played shit loads of games. I'm not sure if they liked me as much as I liked them, but it was still great. Plus I need to just worry about Mark. If he's bringing me along, and he trusts that myself is good enough, I should just trust his judgment and not worry so much about impressing his family and friends.

Ok ok, now I really need to get rolling... later!

flight 3845

man, i'm really living up to my screen name these days... a big fat fucking traincrash. tomorrow is my planned trip with mark to new york... is supposed to be. I just found out that I booked the flight for last month! fuck fuck fuckedy FUCK! so the ticket is an xtra 300 bucks to have switched... now... try to max out my discover vs. pissing off the boyfriend in a most major way!!! Actually I already decided... I'm on hold with southwest as I'm typing this praying to this blog that I can use my discover... or even better, that my dear father will call me back in time and tell me that he's gonna use some frequent flyer miles. speaking of my father... that man is unreachable, even his secretary doesn't know where he is. well she said he might be at lunch, but the man isn't picking up his cell... maybe he's back. to his old ways... no good!

ah, see how i just tried really hard to distract my mind? worked for a minute there... grrr, why does hold music always remind me of the shining? not a movie i like to be reminded of when stressed for sure. ok, i know it's 12:34 noon, but I think the circumstances call for a major bong hit... brb... much better. the hold-music now reminds me of charley brown, and i love woodstock! although now i'm def not looking forward to talking to the operator, especially with the prospect of my card being declined... pooh, that would majority blow. aaaah, i'm killing my own buzz.

ok, i'm probably better off looking at something funny on youtube.... later!

Salmon, Filet, and xtra Salad

happy tuesday. the second day of the week... a second chance for a decent day :-) I just got off the phone with Cassy and she always know how to take my mind off of things. She is really into meditating, and just listening to her being able to push energy back and forth, make stuff warm and cold, and to make colors spurt out of your chest with your orgasm... all sounds really interesting. She referenced some book about the female orgasm. Apparently there is one on the male orgasm... all in all pretty interesting. Improving my orgasm doesn't really fall under one of my top priorities... maybe this is my problem!!! Ok, improving my orgasm just moved to the top of the list, see how easy that was?!

Yesterday Miss Cowen died... I loved that lady. I've been waiting on her, her husband and son for almost 4 years, and and the incredible age of 94 she passed. Allen and his father came in after her wake, and as soon as I saw her missing I knew... :-( But I guess 94 years is a pretty incredible run!

Fierce People

today i was handed a big fucking cup of humility, when I had to accept Judith's offer to pass on rent this month, I had to borrow 100 bucks from Sabine to avoid overdraft fees, and another 10 bucks from Cassy to avoid them again... oh and that $500 min payment waiting at the end of October... what the fuck happened?